The most beautiful shade of blue.

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Never thought that I would have to prepare myself twice to say goodbye.. Back when I was a senior I had to go to Missouri because my grandpa wasn’t doing well, and we didn’t expect him to make it. He had undergone a few surgeries and was put on dialysis and all he could really eat was ice chips and very soft foods because when he was in the hospital they placed a tube in his throat.
He decided he was don’t with dialysis, which meant he was ready to be with God. I took a week off from school and I spent every moment with him. I rubbed his feet, fed him ice, watched his favorite shows, did everything he asked me. I did more for him than his hospice nurse did!

Basically we were waiting for him to pass away..

After a week of missed school we had to go back, we expected to return in a few days for a funeral. Saying goodbye- was the hardest thing I ever did. I expected this to be my last time seeing him an hear his voice. How do you cope with something like this? What do you say to this man who you are so close to? How can I even describe this pain to you unless you yourself have been in my position..? It’s heartbreaking. What’s worse is seeing your dad cry, I’ve only seen this once before. My face hurts just typing this.

Well, we never came to the funeral- because there wasn’t one. By some miracle, my grandpa started to improve! He decided the fight for life wasn’t over, he went back on dialysis and two years later here he was, improved and alive. I am so happy, I get to call him every once in a while and catch up. But not as often as I would like..

I found out two days ago he was put in the hospital Monday. He ha collapsed and was unresponsive. Apparently he had eaten a lot of strawberries (which are high in potassium, who knew) and potassium isn’t good for his heart. He was airlifted and revived at the hospital. But isn’t doing as well as before. My parents told me they would like to make a trip in November to see him, and said this might be the last time I see him.

What..? I already did this… I already went through this pain, how can I do it again? Now I’m just regretting all the Sundays I should have called, when I was ‘too busy’ or it was ‘too late’. I was selfish, scared of the thought every call would be my last. But now the reality has hit. I’m scared and I’m trying to be strong. I love my grandpa. I remember how hard my first goodbye was, I can only imagine how hard this one will be.

Can I just stop time? Just sit with him like I use to- eat our layered dessert and watch The Andy Griffith Show. He would always talk about God and church and praying. He loved to sing too… Also he has the most beautiful eyes, they remind me of the sky.

It’s hard to say goodbye to all of that.

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